Wondering
by Melissa2
Summary: Beka must deal with a tragedy and come to a few realizations about the event. Song fic.


Disclaimer: Andromeda and its characters belong to Tribune, not I.  
Secondary Disclaimer: The lyrics in italics belong to Nyree and are from the song "Wondering," hence the title of this fic.  
Author's Note: Not my best work, but I decided that since it could very well be my last Andromeda fic that I'd post it today on my birthday. It's my present to all of you who read my fics as a going away for at least a little while present, at least until my muse strikes.  
  
  
  
  
Beka ran greasy fingers through her blond hair, streaking the light color. She dropped the wrench on the floor and pulled the goggles up onto her hair. Sweat beads dripped down her face, and on the rest of her body, making her leather pants cling to her body uncomfortably. She had immersed herself in repairs on the Maru, mostly unnecessary upgrades, for the past day.  
  
"I really need a shower," she mumbled to herself, carelessly discarding her black leather vest on the floor near the console.  
  
The rest of her clothes followed in a trail towards the single shower on the Maru, and she turned on the water as cold as it allowed her. She recoiled from it and shivered at first before plunging herself under the icy stream. Goosebumps soon covered her body, and a dull headache throbbed in her temples within minutes.   
  
She almost violently covered herself in soap and lathered shampoo into her hair. It was reluctant to rinse away, but when it finally did, it had the desired effect. She had become extremely tired and her emotions had been washed away with the grime and grease, replaced with the cold apathy not unlike the stream of water cascading down her body. She turned off the shower and emerged in the Maru's corridors, not bothering to dry herself or make an attempt to cover her wet body.  
  
She entered her quarters and simply plopped down onto her bed, almost immediately falling asleep from exhaustion combined with the cold shower. For the first time in several days, no fleeting thoughts followed her into her troubled sleep.  
  
*****  
  
"Heya, Boss!"   
  
The voice jarred Beka from her sleep. She rubbed her eyes and sat up groggily, looking frantically for its source. "Harper?" she asked before coherent thought returned. "Just another dream."  
  
She realized she was naked and still somewhat damp. It took her another moment to recall the circumstances leading to that. "God, you're a mess, Beka," she said to herself. "You haven't even been the same person ever since..."  
  
iI am wondering who I am today  
I've been wondering who I am all week  
If I'm wondering who I am all month or year  
Is that okay?/i  
  
The incident returned to her mind. Rev had assured them all that his cure for Harper's infestation would last at least another month. No one, not even Harper himself, had expected what had happened two days later. She had left to purchase some medical and engineering supplies on a station two days away with Trance.   
  
When the pair returned, instead of being greeted a Harper that was eager to dig through the cargo holds to see what new toys and treasures he had, they were greeted by a Harper in a coffin. Due to a combination of Harper overdosing on his medication and an increased levels of several hormones related to stress, the Magog larvae won the battle.   
  
Against Dylan's recommendations, she had peered into the coffin. Under the baggy shirt that he had been dressed in, Harper's corpse was covered with multiple forcelance and Gauss gun burns and scars. The unnaturally pale skin had been charred beyond recognition. The clothing was a futile attempt to hide his wounds. Beka could see the agony in his lifeless eyes.  
  
"It was a just a routine supply run. You've been on plenty of them, with and without him. It wasn't your fault," Beka vainly tried to comfort herself as the tears fell again.   
  
iI feel like I used to know my dreams  
Now they're wrapped up in my tears  
When I hear my voice   
It's not my voice I want to hear  
When I look for my dreams  
I find it's not that clear anymore/i  
  
  
"It's been nearly three weeks," Beka said to herself. A portion of her wondered why she hadn't left Andromeda and the Maru already. They had only brought her pain and suffering, constant reminders of her lost engineer and friend. She hadn't had a productive minute, or a good night's sleep, since it had happened.  
  
She had never felt more alone or confused in her life. Not even when her father had died. "But that was easy enough to pretend away, huh?" she asked herself, sniffling. "Daddy's off with Rafe while I'm here. I can talk to him whenever I want to. I just choose not to. But Harper was here every single day since I rescued him off that hell hole."  
  
  
iI am looking in myself today  
I've been looking in myself all week  
If I'm looking in myself all month or year  
Is that okay?  
  
I feel like I used to know my dreams  
I wrapped them up and I held them close to me  
But now it's escaping me  
  
What am I doing here?  
What am I doing here?  
What am I doing here?/i  
  
Beka rose from her bed and pulled on a warm robe. She walked out into the corridor and picked up the clothes she had thrown onto the floor.  
  
"Can't start turning the Maru into a disaster area like Harper's Machine Shop." She was quick to cast aside the memory of Harper.  
  
She continued cleaning the Maru, reaching the cockpit in several minutes. As she cleaned the grease and grime from the console, a shine caught her eye. She moved to the shine and found a Sparky Cola can and a flexi on the floor beside it.  
  
iHey Beka,  
  
I forgot to add a new nanowelder to my supply list. Mine's missing. I'm sure it will turn up once you have a new one, but having a spare's better than not having one at all. Anyway, I hope you have fun on the drift. Be sure to drop by Lyle's Bar. And don't worry about me while you're gone. I'll see you when you get back.  
  
Harper/i  
  
"Lyle's Bar..." She laughed and half smiled at the memory. It had been a couple of years ago, and she had almost forgotten the trouble they had been in on that night. Harper and her had nearly been arrested by the local authorities for dancing after they were more than a little too drunk. "That long salvage run before it really sucked. We hadn't had that much fun in a long time." The smile wasn't wiped from her face immediately. It lingered for several more seconds.   
  
Guilt had been wiped from her conscience. Harper wouldn't have blamed her regardless, but being his captain and friend she had taken the responsibility upon herself. The pain undeniably remained within her, though, as it would for a very long time. Something else was creeping into her, something she hadn't felt since before she had lost Harper...a glimmer of hope and happiness.  
  
"What should I do now?" she asked herself after she finished cleaning the cockpit.  
  
iI am wondering who I am today  
I've been wondering who I am all week  
If I'm wondering who I am all month or year  
Is that okay?/i 


End file.
